no skirmish

Someone has recently set an alarm clock in my life.
It goes off at 11pm, or sometimes earlier.
Then, invisible beings swing into action and they refuse to be beaten off.

Nasty memories dash in and out of my mind.
Accusations take stab at my conscience.
Countless fears slash at my heart.

I'm in a battle every night.
My bed is a fighting ground.
My pillow has been beaten and soaked.

Every night, I'm challenged to fight or take flight.
A few years ago, I took flight when the going got tough.
But, I am not the same girl I was.
I may not be the best kind of soldier, but I have learnt that some things are worth fighting for, and my heart is learning to roar.

So, every night, I take up my stance.

Yes, the war has broken out.
And it is no small skirmish.

On occasions, I kept my armor on till 3am.
On others, till 5am.

Once, I finally drifted into sleep, only to be tormented by the worst kind of nightmares--the kind where all hope is lost, and you are in a ball on the floor, feeling that you can't cry hard enough, and you keep hearing an accusing voice that keeps repeating, "If only..."

I woke up from that, with fear taunting me, "What if it really happened?"
It took me a long while to fall back into sleep.

I don't know why I am in this war.
Sometimes, I am not sure exactly which crown I am fighting to win.
But I am determined not to yield.

And in the midst of it, I've fallen in love.
With a single name.

I know Him as Father, Lord and Saviour.
But, during this time, He chose to reveal the beauty of His name to me.

What a privilege it was to hear Him suddenly say, "My name is Yahweh."
I blinked involuntarily, "You mean, You're asking me to call You by Your name? Your personal name?"

And I did.
Last night, I called His name over and over.

The beings cannot stay long in the presence of His name.
One by one, they lost their grip.
And I was left alone in the beauty of a Captain whose name is beautiful.
His name is beautiful because it belongs to a beautiful Him.

He lulled me to sleep.

Every night. I fight a battle.
Every night. I win a battle.

It is my only source of strength, and hope.
The knowing that I will win this war.

He is my Rescuer.

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the secret place of the most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.
He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

"Because he has set his love upon Me,
therefore I will deliver Him;
I will set Him on high, because He has known My name.
He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation."